Money Shame — The Root of All Internal Evil
1,000 Words for $1,000 Scholarship
“How much money do you make?”
It’s a fairly simple question that I’m sure most of us can answer. But in today’s society, you would be damned to even dare ask that question. But why? Why is that simple question so frowned upon nowadays?
Yes, we all have insecurities that may come out of sharing this information with others. Fear of judgement from how they might perceive us based on our income level. But in the end, a large factor of that stems from money shame.
Let’s begin first by defining shame. While it is interchangeably used with guilt, shame is more internal than guilt. Guilt is doing something bad, while shame comes from the complete identity shift of “I am bad.”
When finances are involved, it involves this feeling of inadequacy or embarrassment from an exorbitant or insufficient amount of money. Since money is so ubiquitous in our world today, by comparing our income to those around us (a natural human tendency), we can’t control our opinions about ourselves (and others) changing as a result.
Though the cause of money shame can vary from person to person, it’s no mystery that this financial strain is a major common denominator in suicide attempts. With shows like Squid Game highlighting the lengths to which those in debt will act unethically and immorally to claw their way out, the real world doesn’t have these types of competitions. As a result, the suicide rate has risen 35% from 1999–2018.
I’ve had my own fair share of money shame experiences in the recent past, and though they were not as extreme to have given me suicidal thoughts, it was very distressing nevertheless.
In August of 2019, I began a multi-year treatment plan after receiving my diagnosis of cancer. At just 16 years old, my leukemia diagnosis had stopped life for me in its tracks. And through all the stressors I faced, isolation from my family/friends, constant pain/discomfort, and missing an entire school year due to treatment, money shame was definitely among that group.
Think about it. We have 5 members in our family. We had gone from having 3 stable sources of income (my parents and myself as I worked part-time), to now only having 1 (my dad, since my mom had to take care of me).
Though it seemed quite irrational to base my feelings of shame on a medical disease that I had no control over, it still affected my life greatly. For the 15+ months that my mom was off work, our finances were much more limited. We couldn’t have the extravagant Christmas gifts 🎁, or eat out as much as we usually did. 🍲
When my mom and I started integrating our way back to school and work with our peers, whose situations hadn’t changed much, it was hard to overcome those feelings of inadequacy.
As I joined my extracurricular activities again, the feeling of having to ask for financial support to cover the costs of these activities didn’t sit right with me. It was something we never really had to do before, so those insecurities of judgement and shame (especially from the people who know me before treatment) had grown exponentially.
Coming from an immigrant family, the values of financial security and safety were of paramount concern. Both my parents worked for the government, so I was always nudged in the direction of fields like theirs that had stable sources of income.
But during that time where income was anything but stable, it for sure felt like everything that was going on was my fault. The feeling that I was the reason why my family’s income levels dropped dramatically.
And while it was my medical condition that prevented my mom or me from working, the gradual realization that I had NOTHING to do with things unfolding the way they did brought me a greater sense of comfort moving forward.
“Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.” — Denice Frohman
Throughout this process, there were 3 key lessons I learned from my experience with money shame:
- It’s okay to talk about money
The isolation that comes with money shame stems largely from the fear people have in talking about it. Money is a universal currency, so it is important for us to be comfortable learning how best to spend it. 💰
2. Ask for help when you need it
Often in society, people with lower levels of income (or less skilled job positions) are looked down on. This crippling fear of judgement we have limits us from even reaching out for help in the first place. “Will they think I’m bad because I have less money now?” “Will they still be my friend or love me?”
All these irrational fears prevent us from seeking the help we need. And to be honest, if people no longer interact with you because of a lack of money (especially when it’s not your fault), they were never your friend in the first place.
3. Have a safety net
The importance of saving money was never more important than right there. When people recommend saving money for “rainy days” later on, August 20, 2019, the date of my diagnosis, is exactly the type of rainy day they’re talking about. Money solves money problems. And while it might not determine if our health improves, it prevents any added stress from compounding our already demanding challenges.
So, the next time I’m asked how much money I (or my family) makes, I know exactly the answer I am going to give without turning the conversation into a game of comparisons:
“I make enough money to keep me happy, and save enough so that money will save ME later on.”
